I hope the title of this blog makes you believe that I am turning into a philosophical old maid :-) Truly because a) I am talking some psycho-babble that sounds difficult to fathom, b) You do feel this kind of stuff could come from the mind of someone who's growing older each day(old maid!!).
Well, I do agree with part (b) that I am not getting any younger, but seriously give this one a thought. Lets do this exercise on a mental level.
1. Think of that one person you claim you love. (Ideally this should match with the name of your spouse/partner/boy-friend with whom you've shared space for a while by now.)
2. Well, this one's a bit tricky, but manageable. Think of those moments when you've felt to be in love with the above person.
Classic examples: While on a holiday, When floored on your special occassions with a sensitive & special deed, Ummmmm.... 'the morning after', when you look lovingly at your offspring that you made together(unless you relied on a sperm-bank, this one is the undisputed winner!).... stuff like that.
3. Now think of the reasons why you LIKE (and strictly not love) the person you've been thinking all this while................................................................................................................................
Hahahaha....
Classic Examples: helps you with your chores when YOU want him/her to & NOT when he/she feels like it, you feel like going together to friends' place, you like to do things like shopping, gymming, organising the clutter, etc together, he/she takes time out to let you relax and feel comfortable, he/she can get you talking about the most distressing things effortlessly, talking to him/her seems like letting go of your burdens, you can be YOU (oiled hair, acned face, unwaxed legs, tattered favourite pyjama).
4. So if you are still thinking of the same person with a smile on your lips, yes.... I envy you 'coz you love and like the same person, and you cant get luckier than this!
5. Now lets talk abt the rest of US. I for one, am thinking about my maid, my best friend, my Mom and my Sister. For these are the people who let me breathe that sigh of relief when I am by myself and come to my rescue when I am really in an emotional pit. And a big NO......... I am not thinking of my spouse right now, because try as he may, my spouse cannot be my best friend or my 100%, unfailing support system
Having said that, I want to put a disclaimer here. This is my personal, "limited-to-my-life", experience and not a fact or any sort of an assertion. My blog is a space where I share my thoughts with my preferred clan, and thus people who are genuinely in love should not feel disillusioned or pity me for my cynicism. (tch.. tch.. poor lady seems to have an awful marriage)
An emphatic NO. That is not so. I am a part of a reasonably happy and succesful marriage, but something happened today that put my thinking car into gear.
I realised that while we (me and my spouse) agree on the crucial matters (read child rearing & discipline, money matters, and mutual respect to some extent), we have drifted away on some basic grounds.
My boyfriend could read when I was upset and 99% of times could lay his finger on the precise reason, however my husband seems to have missed the bus entirely. He states in a no-nonsense manner "See, lets be clear on this, I cannot read what's bothering you and we cannot resolve this unless you speak it out." Well, Thank You! And thanks all those writers who've confounded this fact that clear communication is the key to succesful marriage! So what happened to the effective understanding that stems out of genuine love and time spent together? What happened to all that effort we put in knowing what works and doesn't work for each other? I thought this straight-to-the-point approach was meant primarily for official use only. But looks like I am wrong and for the sake of my own good and long-run survival I need to modernize my approach towards relationships. Talk your mind out, think from your head & not your heart, and leave the heart only to do what it does best- beat regularly and healthily!! With these guidelines then, is it any surprise that I dont particularly LIKE spending time with my spouse when it comes to letting down my hair and being myself. Oh yeah, we do have gala time at family outings, friends' parties, holidays and kids' occassions. But these are all places where I usually don a mask and try to gel into the crowd and have a bent of mind and an opinion that goes with the spirit of the crowd there. It isn't the true ME ! Its just me @ my Best ! But would any one care to check out me @ my WORST?? I don't think so. And neither would my spouse. Sad, but true. He too would prefer me pasting a smile on my face when he's happy and suppressing my enthu abt my latest hobby when he's not had a good day at work. Everyone wants facades, not the real faces. So how can you possibly like someone who cannot accept the real you. Oh yeah, you can very well love the person for taking that effort to look their best, behave with sophistication & endlessly please our partner in all ways. But isn't this veiled in a facade of sorts? Would you still be as lovable or let's say, even likeble if u dress down with no makeup, prefer the use of hands over cutlery or refuse a stylishly decorated mocktail and go for the masala chaas instead? Well, where my spouse is concerned, I would rather evade answering these questions for the fear of bringing out my true self in the open and the fear of being rejected thereby.
So back to today morning, after one of our usual arguments or let's call it dis-agreement over something (trivial in his opinion), I reaised I don't like this guy I see every day. HE's not my soulmate for I'd pour my feelings out to such a person. He's not my best friend for I'd cry and fret on her shoulder. He's not my boy-friend, either for I'd throw a mega tantrum knowing that he'll appease me and relent to what I have in mind. He is only one thing- my Spouse! I'd not do any of the above things with him knowing the effort would be utterly futile. I'd stop before I lament what bothers me because I know he'll have an answer pat on his mind even before I finish saying what I have to say. I'd rarely complain because I know it'll put him off and screw up the day or whatever is left of it. I'd rather reserve my opinion about him to myself for the fear of him not caring a two-pence for it, and I'd rather figure out my own issues for the fear of having to abide by a solution that does not work for me. And yet after all, I'd still go ahead and say- I love him for the life he's created for him in terms of comfort & materialistic satisfaction, which believe me, do hold a lot of weightage today. He's adequately provided for us to dispense a grossly expensive education to our only child. He's brought a certain class and style to our life-which only money and status can buy and frankly without which, I may not be able to cope that well. He's got us respect and status. He's provided us with ample reasons to celebrate and laugh such as his staggering corporate growth, our anniversaries, birthdays etc etc. I would be horrified at anything happening to him and I completely depend on him for our security. I would never share my closeness with any other man (though I haven't ever got a chance to check this fact for sure!) and so I can safely claim that I do LOVE him. But "Like".................. I guess that's a far cry.
