The Single Married Woman

A few years back, I made my maiden trip abroad for work. As I set foot in Chicago, I thought I’d feel some sort of trepidation about being in a foreign land with its own set of rules and mannerisms. But strangely, I was feeling rather euphoric. Something similar to independence was engulfing me. 
As I gave a thought to what was it that was making me feel light-headed and so relaxed after about 12 hours of flying, it struck me - I was on my own, again, after 6 years of being married to my doting husband. I was once again, the quintessential single woman, and add to that was the fact that I was on my own in a new place with just about any avenue open for exploration. 

“Hurray”, I thought! I could once again do it all. Night-outs, weekend treks, no time limits, no mood swings to deal with (other than my own), no temper tantrums and no boring gadget-talks. I could spend time with friends I liked, talk endlessly over the phone, “make do” with a simple waffles dinner or an oats breakfast, and wake up and sleep any hour of the day!  

Seemingly silly, don’t we all crave to get back to our pre-marriage life at some point? Admittedly married life is not how it used to be a few generations back. Most women, especially the urban variety have all the resources at hand that enable them to get a life of their own. A career-oriented woman has a spectrum of opportunities presented before her. A stay-at-home woman has plethora of home-based options to explore for herself ranging from home improvement to freelancing to tuitions to childcare opportunities. Why then, do we feel a rush of adrenaline when we are on our own, and why do our male counterparts feel no such thing, though they are the ones always complaining about not having enough man-to-man time!

Marilyn Monroe once quoted, “I have too many fantasies to be a housewife.” 
While times have moved on from being dull and dutiful, even for the so-called housewives, we still find women trapped in stereotypical roles when they chose to stay at home. Planning meals, selecting schools/day-care for the kids, enrolling for self-development courses seem like intelligent lifestyle choices, but they essentially revolve around the family and home-making, and even the uber-cool homemaker ends up cultivating hobbies in background. 

“Some of the fantasies I have in mind, like flying a plane or mountain-climbing could have become real-life experiences, had I been single today”, laments Pradnya, a married working professional, thus giving credence to what Ms. Monroe thought about the toughest job in the world! Shilpa, a high-profile economist who gave up her job on account of health issues is now a self-developed artist and piano player and operates from home. “Both my hobbies are highly inspirational and require that I feel peaceful and motivated before embarking on an assignment. Starting my day with household chores like packing lunch or squabbling with the maid are potential dampeners towards helping my hobbies blossom. But I hardly have any choice here”. 
To be single is to be on your own, doing your thing your way. Being married brings a second dimension to just about every aspect and action in your life. The trick to retain your individuality is to keep in touch with your own abilities and not tweak your lifestyle to such an extent that you cease to exist as a person and only exist as a pair.

In the feature “Diary of a Single Girl” appearing in Times of India every Sunday, we often find expressive versions of the single girl who craves for love and steadfastness of a family. Yet she cringes with the thought of being answerable to one man for her actions, and even goes as far as saying that monotonous is boring in relationships. Probably the right kind of marital freedom would be the one where people can do their own thing while being a part of the common unit called “family”. Ultimately a marriage is supposed to make you feel complete and not craving for uncompleted fantasies or unfulfilled opportunities. As they say, “Marriages are made in heaven, but fulfilled on earth”

While it is great to pursue one’s hobbies passionately, nursing an unfulfilled hobby or aspiration due to sociological reasons like being married is rather detrimental. As per relationship expert Dr. Rajan Bhonsle, “A marriage should bring out the best of your skills and not prevent you from exploring your full potential”. A certain amount of singleness in a marriage is quite healthy. Complete Wellbeing, a wellness and health magazine, in one of its features stated, “Taking time off from your routine to pursue something you genuinely enjoy gives you a pheromonal rush, which is really beneficial for the body and mind”. It could be something as lame as a friends’ night-out once a month to catch up on gossip, playing golf every weekend, taking nature treks with your Nature lovers groups etc.

So, it might be worthwhile to be single again, ogle at those good-looking men, drink a few extra pegs, gossip about your colony’s popular “Pretty Young Thing”, take those swimming classes with your girl-pals, and set a few dates for yourself with your female confidantes once a while, without looking at the watch or calling your spouse to check if he’s managing alright. For all you know, he might be only too pleased to have a complete control over the remote, listening to hard rock while surfing cars and smart-phones without you watching over his head!!

Re-visiting the First Night!

It was just the way I had imagined. In fact, better.......rather unforgettable!

The million M & B novels that occupied my bookshelf during those teens did absolutely no justice to the reality that I experienced that night. It was magical, mesmerizing. And the best part was that I could see the trance-like moments reflecting in the eyes of my husband, even in broad daylight, as we sat very close to each other for the religious rituals following the wedding.

That was ten years back. And this is today. The morning of today was special, bringing a sense of déjà-vu to mind, setting the clock back by a decade, making the heart flutter! I wasn’t a newly married, coy bride anymore. With a six year old daughter on hand, the last thing(literally!) I do is look at the mirror just before hitting the bed, to rub in that coconut milk cream on my face and hands. That’s the singular beauty ritual I permit myself to indulge in, amid the conundrum of my work and home. 

Today, as I waved to my daughter from the balcony and turned towards my “rushed-for-time” husband standing next to me, sipping his tea & staring at me with glinting eyes, I wondered what he was up to, this hour of the day. “Shouldn’t he be rushing with the breakfast, bath and business?” Well, I certainly had to, myself. And that’s when the light fell (literally and metaphorically!) on me that explained “that LOOK”. WOW! My skin was glowing..........I mean, it really was. As I stood in the balcony taking in my daily dose of Vitamin D a.k.a. the sunlight, a ray from the sky caressed my soft and silky cheeks and turned them pink.............and then red after the impromptu peck from the man whose mornings were strictly reserved for business! What in the world was happening today?

Perhaps the moisturizer was turning me into an object of affection for my man.............and that was a HUGE thing for me, at 34! Thank God, Ma made me stick to this moisturizing ritual every night since the age of 8. After decades, it still promises me a ticket into the world of beautiful...and irresistible women. Lost in nostalgic thoughts, the day flew by and the romance of the morning settled in the background. Right until I reached out for the heavenly fruit once again.... this time for my daughter. Those smooth brown tresses! Yes, my little girl had enviably long tresses for her age that shimmered superbly when left loose, thanks to the richness of the coconut oil. Oh wait, the “wonder oil” had softened my cracked heels too, just after childbirth when my hormones were on an over-drive! And lovingly soothed my frayed nerves when stress loomed large over my head!

Well, today seems special as I am waiting for him to be home and the night to take over... I am waiting for that special “skin-to-skin talk” that tells me I am desired after ten long years...all over again!

 

Foods & Moods

Shouts of “Pappu Paas Ho Gaya” brought in a celebratory ambience in the entire “mohalla”. Conventional “pedhas” and “mithai” were smartly replaced by the royal blue Dairy Milk bar for all! Chocolate after all is more than just chocolate. It is a harbinger of happy news & auspicious occasions, a mood-setter for romance and intimacy, and a pacifier for broken hearts and unfulfilled promises. Thousands swear by the effect of chocolate on their moods. A bar of rich, dark chocolate, a mug of steaming hot chocolate, a tub of dark chocolate ice-cream... just about everything seems blissfully great about the world’s No. 1 Comfort Food! 

This just goes on to say how important is food in our life, and not just for nourishment! In an age where singularity is highly valued and person-to-person talk has probably gone out of fashion, our soothsayer is ultimately the one we loyally share our days and nights with- FOOD! 

An Emotion Called Food!

When I get back home after a vacation, I invariably seek the inviting comfort of my kitchen before heading to any other room.   

In our attempt to cook healthy and nutritious meals, we often under-estimate the emotional importance attached to the process of cooking. Cooking a food that reminds us of good times is like therapy. When I feel depressed, I take to the kitchen, it is my personal zone and the sounds of pots and pans are as soothing as lounge music when my mind is in an emotional rut! The sight of ingredients and sounds of chopping, blending and cooking them to produce my soul-food is a process of mental healing.  

IT professional Swapna recently who made a job-move from Hyderabad to Mumbai pigs on “Rasam-rice” with “Gonkurra” as a wipie-out formula for her homesickness. 

For Prasanna, Laxmi Poojan equates with traditional Goan yellow banana “Halwa” and soft “pooris”.  

“Rajma-Chawal” unfailingly figures on Vivek’s Sunday lunch transporting him to his hostel days in Delhi.

Ditto for Aditi, a Fine Arts student who has a fetish for the road-side “Masala Dosa” every time she tack;es a tough examination. “I get a surge of energy to get over the exam blues and prepare more fervently for the next one, and it's got nothing to do with the loaded carbs!”, she exclaims. 

Food is good for all types of mood! 

A bottle of wine to set the mood ringing on the first dinner date, streets lined with delicacies during the “Ramzan” evenings, a grain of sugar into the new-born’s tiny mouth at the “Naamkaran” ceremony, creatively stuffed turkeys on Thanksgiving and the yummy “Shepherd’s Pie” and rich plum cakes on Christmas, the world unites in celebrating the one emotion called Food!

 Rains remind us of “Golgappas”, winters of steaming fried “Bhajias”, summers of chilled fruit concoctions! Promotions eventually lead to partying with exotic starters over pints of beer, break-ups lead to spicy Thai ‘take-aways’ gulped amidst rolling tears! For some, it’s the good old Mac Burger that alleviates the blues while for others it could be the warm, frothy stew!

How it affects us in the most dramatic ways! 

With all these additive values of food, no wonder then, it also doubles as potent aphrodisiac! Butter, garlic oysters on the menu are the perfect recipe for passion-filled nights! Chocolate-dipped strawberries have always figured prominently on the “Lover’s List of Soul food”, and so has chilled white wine! 

So, go ahead & indulge! Don’t cut back on grabbing your soul food off the grocery shelf or stocking your fridge with rich, dark bars of pure sin!

Liking someone isn't easy..... Loving is!

I hope the title of this blog makes you believe that I am turning into a philosophical old maid :-) Truly because a) I am talking some psycho-babble that sounds difficult to fathom, b) You do feel this kind of stuff could come from the mind of someone who's growing older each day(old maid!!).

Well, I do agree with part (b) that I am not getting any younger, but seriously give this one a thought. Lets do this exercise on a mental level.

1. Think of that one person you claim you love. (Ideally this should match with the name of your spouse/partner/boy-friend with whom you've shared space for a while by now.)

2. Well, this one's a bit tricky, but manageable. Think of those moments when you've felt to be in love with the above person.

Classic examples: While on a holiday, When floored on your special occassions with a sensitive & special deed, Ummmmm.... 'the morning after', when you look lovingly at your offspring that you made together(unless you relied on a sperm-bank, this one is the undisputed winner!).... stuff like that.

3. Now think of the reasons why you LIKE (and strictly not love) the person you've been thinking all this while................................................................................................................................

Hahahaha....

Classic Examples: helps you with your chores when YOU want him/her to & NOT when he/she feels like it, you feel like going together to friends' place, you like to do things like shopping, gymming, organising the clutter, etc together, he/she takes time out to let you relax and feel comfortable, he/she can get you talking about the most distressing things effortlessly, talking to him/her seems like letting go of your burdens, you can be YOU (oiled hair, acned face, unwaxed legs, tattered favourite pyjama).

4. So if you are still thinking of the same person with a smile on your lips, yes.... I envy you 'coz you love and like the same person, and you cant get luckier than this!

5. Now lets talk abt the rest of US. I for one, am thinking about my maid, my best friend, my Mom and my Sister. For these are the people who let me breathe that sigh of relief when I am by myself and come to my rescue when I am really in an emotional pit. And a big NO......... I am not thinking of my spouse right now, because try as he may, my spouse cannot be my best friend or my 100%, unfailing support system

Having said that, I want to put a disclaimer here. This is my personal, "limited-to-my-life", experience and not a fact or any sort of an assertion. My blog is a space where I share my thoughts with my preferred clan, and thus people who are genuinely in love should not feel disillusioned or pity me for my cynicism. (tch.. tch.. poor lady seems to have an awful marriage)

An emphatic NO. That is not so. I am a part of a reasonably happy and succesful marriage, but something happened today that put my thinking car into gear.

I realised that while we (me and my spouse) agree on the crucial matters (read child rearing & discipline, money matters, and mutual respect to some extent), we have drifted away on some basic grounds.

My boyfriend could read when I was upset and 99% of times could lay his finger on the precise reason, however my husband seems to have missed the bus entirely. He states in a no-nonsense manner "See, lets be clear on this, I cannot read what's bothering you and we cannot resolve this unless you speak it out." Well, Thank You! And thanks all those writers who've confounded this fact that clear communication is the key to succesful marriage! So what happened to the effective understanding that stems out of genuine love and time spent together? What happened to all that effort we put in knowing what works and doesn't work for each other? I thought this straight-to-the-point approach was meant primarily for official use only. But looks like I am wrong and for the sake of my own good and long-run survival I need to modernize my approach towards relationships. Talk your mind out, think from your head & not your heart, and leave the heart only to do what it does best- beat regularly and healthily!! With these guidelines then, is it any surprise that I dont particularly LIKE spending time with my spouse when it comes to letting down my hair and being myself. Oh yeah, we do have gala time at family outings, friends' parties, holidays and kids' occassions. But these are all places where I usually don a mask and try to gel into the crowd and have a bent of mind and an opinion that goes with the spirit of the crowd there. It isn't the true ME ! Its just me @ my Best ! But would any one care to check out me @ my WORST?? I don't think so. And neither would my spouse. Sad, but true. He too would prefer me pasting a smile on my face when he's happy and suppressing my enthu abt my latest hobby when he's not had a good day at work. Everyone wants facades, not the real faces. So how can you possibly like someone who cannot accept the real you. Oh yeah, you can very well love the person for taking that effort to look their best, behave with sophistication & endlessly please our partner in all ways. But isn't this veiled in a facade of sorts? Would you still be as lovable or let's say, even likeble if u dress down with no makeup, prefer the use of hands over cutlery or refuse a stylishly decorated mocktail and go for the masala chaas instead? Well, where my spouse is concerned, I would rather evade answering these questions for the fear of bringing out my true self in the open and the fear of being rejected thereby.

So back to today morning, after one of our usual arguments or let's call it dis-agreement over something (trivial in his opinion), I reaised I don't like this guy I see every day. HE's not my soulmate for I'd pour my feelings out to such a person. He's not my best friend for I'd cry and fret on her shoulder. He's not my boy-friend, either for I'd throw a mega tantrum knowing that he'll appease me and relent to what I have in mind. He is only one thing- my Spouse! I'd not do any of the above things with him knowing the effort would be utterly futile. I'd stop before I lament what bothers me because I know he'll have an answer pat on his mind even before I finish saying what I have to say. I'd rarely complain because I know it'll put him off and screw up the day or whatever is left of it. I'd rather reserve my opinion about him to myself for the fear of him not caring a two-pence for it, and I'd rather figure out my own issues for the fear of having to abide by a solution that does not work for me. And yet after all, I'd still go ahead and say- I love him for the life he's created for him in terms of comfort & materialistic satisfaction, which believe me, do hold a lot of weightage today. He's adequately provided for us to dispense a grossly expensive education to our only child. He's brought a certain class and style to our life-which only money and status can buy and frankly without which, I may not be able to cope that well. He's got us respect and status. He's provided us with ample reasons to celebrate and laugh such as his staggering corporate growth, our anniversaries, birthdays etc etc. I would be horrified at anything happening to him and I completely depend on him for our security. I would never share my closeness with any other man (though I haven't ever got a chance to check this fact for sure!) and so I can safely claim that I do LOVE him. But "Like".................. I guess that's a far cry.

10 years of togetherness

do they signify much?? I mean is 10 years supposed to be a long time to be 'stuck up' with that single somebody?? or is it just abt enough to have someone waking on the other side of ur bed every morning, blessing u with a smile(perhaps??!!) , or is it still the age-old traditional outlook of staying committed for 'the better or for worse'. Frankly its more of an attitude issue than anything else. I like (actually, DO) seeing the same face every morning, and sleeping near a familiar body, a familiar smell every night. Through our fights (and mind u, we have some very ugly ones), it is still comforting to have the presence of the 'same old person' next to you. And it is disturbing if that 'same old' chooses the other room for whatever reason instead of the usual sleeping haven.

I chose to pen these words on the occassion of our 10 yrs of 'togetherness'. Weel, rather unusual, if u ask me. 10 yrs of marriage is quite common, but why does one celebrate 10 yrs of simply being together. I was myself confused when my better half chose this milestone to announce a party at home. I thought "why?? 10 yrs of being together?? how do we explain the guests who invariably wished us "happy 10th anniversary!!" Well, then i thought- why not?? being together is more monumental than being married. U chose to stay together (and committed) in spite of there being no strings attached. U see each other as life time partners though the society is yet to tag u as one. That must mean something, isn't it? In a time where marriages last as much as a single pack of condoms, whey then did we chose to stay together and committed(yes, we did have our share of invites, if u know what i mean!)/ That probably is a good reason to celebrate than mere 10 yrs bracketed since the day u tied the conventional knot. I feel some element of pride in writing this blog today. A small corner of my mind reminisces the troubled times where suspicions, bitterness, differences with in-laws surfaced big-time. I for one, surely did think of throwing in the towel and calling it a day. But i didn't actually do it. Why?? Bcoz i still wanted to forget and forgive and move on. Why?? May be I did really want to stay married with that one individual i call my spouse. Why?? Perhaps unknowingly somewhere, I must have fallen in love!! No flashlights sparkling anywhere or music humming in the backgrounds. But it still happens, i guess. Rather thats how the reality of it feels. U go on with life feeling good. The endorphins are at the mightiest best. And u know u r hitched for life!!! Whats 10 yrs then, I look ahead to a fifty !!!!

A blog is born .................. FINALLY

Hi! This is the first time I am doing this, and like most first times, peer pressure and the need to do something that's a DONE THING today was one of the reasons I am doing this. And before i border on 'kinkiness' (and if u havent already guessed!!), I am most certainky talking about my second baby --- my first BLOG!!

Welcome to my world of infinity ~~. I choose to call it a world of "Varied Interests" because I am into a varied list of things stemming from my varied interests, but few have actually materialised!! So lets say, this is a start-up of sorts! And unlike wht I said earlier, it is born out of my intense need to express, write, lucidate my thoughts and feeling to no one in particular and everyone in general!! And keeping in mind the title "Varied Interests", you can be sure you will find a spectrum of posts out here based on my experiences(not necessarily first-hand) but which have stayed in my memory long enuf to form the basis of my writings.

I hope you find most of them either extremely interesting or extremely inciting, in both cases you risk remembering them for a long time to come!! :-)