The Single Married Woman

A few years back, I made my maiden trip abroad for work. As I set foot in Chicago, I thought I’d feel some sort of trepidation about being in a foreign land with its own set of rules and mannerisms. But strangely, I was feeling rather euphoric. Something similar to independence was engulfing me. 
As I gave a thought to what was it that was making me feel light-headed and so relaxed after about 12 hours of flying, it struck me - I was on my own, again, after 6 years of being married to my doting husband. I was once again, the quintessential single woman, and add to that was the fact that I was on my own in a new place with just about any avenue open for exploration. 

“Hurray”, I thought! I could once again do it all. Night-outs, weekend treks, no time limits, no mood swings to deal with (other than my own), no temper tantrums and no boring gadget-talks. I could spend time with friends I liked, talk endlessly over the phone, “make do” with a simple waffles dinner or an oats breakfast, and wake up and sleep any hour of the day!  

Seemingly silly, don’t we all crave to get back to our pre-marriage life at some point? Admittedly married life is not how it used to be a few generations back. Most women, especially the urban variety have all the resources at hand that enable them to get a life of their own. A career-oriented woman has a spectrum of opportunities presented before her. A stay-at-home woman has plethora of home-based options to explore for herself ranging from home improvement to freelancing to tuitions to childcare opportunities. Why then, do we feel a rush of adrenaline when we are on our own, and why do our male counterparts feel no such thing, though they are the ones always complaining about not having enough man-to-man time!

Marilyn Monroe once quoted, “I have too many fantasies to be a housewife.” 
While times have moved on from being dull and dutiful, even for the so-called housewives, we still find women trapped in stereotypical roles when they chose to stay at home. Planning meals, selecting schools/day-care for the kids, enrolling for self-development courses seem like intelligent lifestyle choices, but they essentially revolve around the family and home-making, and even the uber-cool homemaker ends up cultivating hobbies in background. 

“Some of the fantasies I have in mind, like flying a plane or mountain-climbing could have become real-life experiences, had I been single today”, laments Pradnya, a married working professional, thus giving credence to what Ms. Monroe thought about the toughest job in the world! Shilpa, a high-profile economist who gave up her job on account of health issues is now a self-developed artist and piano player and operates from home. “Both my hobbies are highly inspirational and require that I feel peaceful and motivated before embarking on an assignment. Starting my day with household chores like packing lunch or squabbling with the maid are potential dampeners towards helping my hobbies blossom. But I hardly have any choice here”. 
To be single is to be on your own, doing your thing your way. Being married brings a second dimension to just about every aspect and action in your life. The trick to retain your individuality is to keep in touch with your own abilities and not tweak your lifestyle to such an extent that you cease to exist as a person and only exist as a pair.

In the feature “Diary of a Single Girl” appearing in Times of India every Sunday, we often find expressive versions of the single girl who craves for love and steadfastness of a family. Yet she cringes with the thought of being answerable to one man for her actions, and even goes as far as saying that monotonous is boring in relationships. Probably the right kind of marital freedom would be the one where people can do their own thing while being a part of the common unit called “family”. Ultimately a marriage is supposed to make you feel complete and not craving for uncompleted fantasies or unfulfilled opportunities. As they say, “Marriages are made in heaven, but fulfilled on earth”

While it is great to pursue one’s hobbies passionately, nursing an unfulfilled hobby or aspiration due to sociological reasons like being married is rather detrimental. As per relationship expert Dr. Rajan Bhonsle, “A marriage should bring out the best of your skills and not prevent you from exploring your full potential”. A certain amount of singleness in a marriage is quite healthy. Complete Wellbeing, a wellness and health magazine, in one of its features stated, “Taking time off from your routine to pursue something you genuinely enjoy gives you a pheromonal rush, which is really beneficial for the body and mind”. It could be something as lame as a friends’ night-out once a month to catch up on gossip, playing golf every weekend, taking nature treks with your Nature lovers groups etc.

So, it might be worthwhile to be single again, ogle at those good-looking men, drink a few extra pegs, gossip about your colony’s popular “Pretty Young Thing”, take those swimming classes with your girl-pals, and set a few dates for yourself with your female confidantes once a while, without looking at the watch or calling your spouse to check if he’s managing alright. For all you know, he might be only too pleased to have a complete control over the remote, listening to hard rock while surfing cars and smart-phones without you watching over his head!!